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Wedding guest list

Do I have to invite my extended family to my wedding?

No. Nobody outside your immediate family is owed an invitation — but there is a rule that decides whether the cut lands well, and it is consistency, not closeness. Draw the line between whole layers of the family tree rather than between individuals: all seven first cousins or none of them, every aunt and uncle or none. A layer invited whole is a decision nobody can take personally. A layer split three-in, four-out is a comparison every person in it will make within an hour of the invitations arriving. Below are 14 worked lists and scripts for the cut, and a free builder that flags a split layer before you send anything.

Build my guest list →Browse the worked lists
Where does the line go?

Four questions that put every relative on one side of the line

Work down these in order and stop at the first one that fits. Each answer routes a whole circle into a tier rather than returning a verdict on a person — that is the difference between a list you can defend and a list you have to explain.

1

You grew up with three of your seven first cousins

Invite the layer or cut the layer — do not split it. Closeness is real, but it is invisible from the outside. The four you rarely see will only ever see three invitations and four absences, and the first person to hear about it is your mother. If the whole layer does not fit, cut the whole layer and tell the three you are close to yourself, before the invitations go out. In the builder this is the first cousins circle set to one tier for all seven.

2

Your parents want their siblings there and you barely know them

Move the whole circle into your parents' allocation. Aunts and uncles a couple has no relationship with are almost always somebody else's guests. That does not make them wrong — it makes them a contributor's seats, counted against your parents' number rather than yours. Agree the size of that number before anyone names a name.

3

Your side has forty relatives and your partner's side has eight

Match the rule, not the total. Family-for-family symmetry is a myth that punishes whoever has the bigger family. What must match is the boundary: if first cousins are in on your side, first cousins are in on theirs, however few that turns out to be. A shared rule reads as fairness; a shared total reads as a quota.

4

One relative in the layer is genuinely difficult

Decide that person on their own terms, not the layer's. This is the one case where the layer rule does not apply, because it is not a boundary question — it is a person question. Give it its own circle in the builder so it is recorded once, with its own reason and its own script, instead of quietly re-opening the layer around it every two weeks.

If cutting the layer takes you under the number you can seat, the reverse problem — how many invitations to send to fill a room — is worked out on the wedding attendance rate page, and its answer is the capacity number this page's builder takes.

The biggest layer on the list

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Where the cousin line goes

First cousins are usually the single largest block on a guest list and the one that decides whether it fits. Each list below is a whole layer, written the way the builder holds it: one row per person, households grouped, plus-ones counted. The seven cousins are the same seven every time, so you can see what each version actually costs.

Example 01

FIRST COUSINS — the whole layer in Diego Alvarez · Household: Diego Alvarez · Tier B · +1 Paloma Alvarez · Household: Paloma & Tomas Alvarez · Tier B · +1 (Tomas) Nico Alvarez · Household: Nico Alvarez · Tier B Camila Reyes · Household: Camila Reyes · Tier B Héctor Reyes · Household: Héctor Reyes · Tier B Lucia Reyes · Household: Lucia Reyes · Tier B Mateo Reyes · Household: Mateo Reyes · Tier B — 7 cousins, 7 invitations, 9 adult seats. Nobody in this layer can compare themselves to anybody else in it.

All seven inPersonalize
Example 02

FIRST COUSINS — the whole layer out Diego Alvarez · Not inviting Paloma Alvarez · Not inviting Nico Alvarez · Not inviting Camila Reyes · Not inviting Héctor Reyes · Not inviting Lucia Reyes · Not inviting Mateo Reyes · Not inviting — 0 invitations, 0 seats, and one sentence to say seven times: "we kept it to parents, siblings and grandparents on both sides." The layer is the reason, so nobody is the reason.

Whole layer cutPersonalize
Example 03

THE SPLIT THE CHECKER FLAGS Diego Alvarez · Tier B Paloma Alvarez · Tier B Nico Alvarez · Tier B Camila Reyes · Not inviting Héctor Reyes · Not inviting Lucia Reyes · Not inviting Mateo Reyes · Not inviting ⚠ 3 of 7 first cousins are on the list and 4 are not. Invite the layer or cut the layer — a split one is visible to everybody in it. — This is the list the builder below opens with, because it is the version couples actually arrive at on their own.

3 of 7 cousinsPersonalize
Example 04

THE BOUNDARY ABOVE THE COUSINS Second cousins · whole circle · not invited First cousins once removed · whole circle · not invited Great-aunts and great-uncles · whole circle · not invited — Three whole circles, one boundary, zero individual decisions. Write the boundary down before anyone asks, because "we stopped at first cousins" is an answer and "we ran out of room" is an invitation to negotiate.

The line abovePersonalize
Example 05

COUSINS' PARTNERS — one standard, applied seven times Standard: married, engaged, or living together. Nobody else gets a name on the invitation. Diego Alvarez · +1 · living together Paloma & Tomas Alvarez · both named · married Nico Alvarez · no +1 Camila Reyes · no +1 Héctor Reyes · no +1 Lucia Reyes · no +1 Mateo Reyes · no +1 — 7 invitations, 9 adult seats. Two of the seven bring somebody, and every cousin can see the same test was run on all of them.

Partners standardPersonalize

You will type this list at least three times

Once on paper, once when the invitations go out, and once when you chase the people who never replied. Build it once here, download the file, and every name after that is a copy rather than a retype.

Open the builder →
The branch above

🌳 Aunts, uncles, and whose guests they really are

The generation above your cousins is the one most likely to belong in somebody else's allocation. Three aunts and uncles sit on the worked list — Rosa and Julio Alvarez, and Bea Whitfield with a guest: two invitations, four seats. Here they are counted four different ways.

Example 06

AUNTS AND UNCLES — invited as your guests Rosa Alvarez · Household: Rosa & Julio Alvarez · Tier B Julio Alvarez · Household: Rosa & Julio Alvarez · Tier B Bea Whitfield · Household: Bea Whitfield · Tier B · +1 — 3 people, 2 invitations, 4 seats, all counted against your own number. Do this where you have a relationship with them yourself. It is the cleanest version and the most expensive one.

Your guestsPersonalize
Example 07

THE SAME PEOPLE, INSIDE YOUR PARENTS' ALLOCATION Your parents' share: 30 of the 120 seats — Rosa & Julio Alvarez · aunts and uncles · 2 seats — Peggy & Ed Nolan · your parents' friends · 2 seats — Barbara Kent · your parents' friends · not inviting · 0 seats — Spent: 4. Left for your parents to spend: 26. The seats come out of a number your parents already agreed to, which turns "can we add my brother?" into arithmetic they can do themselves.

Parents' seatsPersonalize
Example 08

THE MISMATCHED SIDES — one rule, two totals Rule agreed by both of you: every aunt and uncle in, every first cousin in. Alvarez side · 2 aunts and uncles, 7 first cousins · 11 seats Whitfield side · 1 aunt with a guest, no first cousins · 2 seats — 13 seats, nine of them from one family. The rule matched. The totals never will, and they do not have to.

Rule, not totalPersonalize
Example 09

THE ONE YOU ARE NOT INVITING Gerald Whitfield · Circle: estranged family · Not inviting · reason recorded once Everyone else in his generation · Circle: aunts and uncles · Tier B — Held in its own circle, so the layer rule above him stays intact and nobody has to re-argue it every time his name comes up. The checker does not flag this one, because a named-person decision is not a split layer.

One named personPersonalize
The conversation afterwards

💬 What to say when a relative asks

Every one of these is short, names the boundary rather than the person, and offers no negotiation. Say it once, to the person who asked, and do not repeat it into the family group chat.

Example 10

"We ended up keeping it to parents, grandparents and siblings, with no cousins on either side — which meant cutting people we would have loved to have there, including you. I'm sorry. I'd love to take you to lunch after the wedding and show you the photos."

Cousin, layer cutPersonalize
Example 11

"The room holds 120 and our two families alone came to more than that, so we drew the line at first cousins on both sides. It wasn't about you at all — it was the only line we could draw that didn't mean choosing between people."

Asked whyPersonalize
Example 12

"Mom, I know you want Rosa and Julio there. You have 30 seats and they're yours to spend however you like — if they're on your list, they're in. What we can't do is add them on top, because then it isn't 120 any more."

Parent pushingPersonalize
Example 13

"I hear a few of the cousins have been talking about it. Here's the honest answer: we invited nobody from that generation on either side, so there's nothing to compare. If anyone asks you, that's the whole of it."

Group chatPersonalize
Example 14

"I'd rather tell you now than have you wondering in March. You're not on the list. That's a decision about the size of the room and it isn't going to change — but I didn't want it to be a mystery, and I didn't want you to hear it from somebody else."

Asked directlyPersonalize
Person, layer, or list?

A cousin layer is a boundary, not a favor

Almost every argument about extended family is two people applying rules at different levels and both being right. Name the level first and most of the argument disappears.

1

If you invite one first cousin, invite them all

A whole layer · Every household in the circle. Applied to one person it becomes a favor, and a favor is what the other four will compare notes about.

2

Great-aunts and second cousins are not invited

A whole layer · Every household in the circle. One exception re-opens the whole circle, because the exception becomes the new boundary and everyone can see where it sits.

3

We are not inviting my father's brother

One person · One named individual. Justified as a layer rule it quietly cuts three relatives you did want there — and everybody in the family knows which decision it really was.

4

The list cannot go over 120

The whole list · The list as a whole. Enforced person by person it becomes weeks of trading names; enforced by circle it is one decision that holds.

5

Each set of parents gets 30 of the seats

An allocation · Each contributor's bucket. Left unstated, every relative your parents add looks like a cut somewhere else on your own list.

This page is about who is on the list, not what happens to it afterwards. To turn the number you can seat into the number you can invite, use the wedding attendance rate — its answer is exactly the capacity number the builder above takes. Whether a cousin's partner gets a seat of their own is settled in the plus-one rules, whether children are on the list at all belongs with adults-only invitation wording, and if a cut layer might come back later, the timing for that lives on second-wave invitations. Once the names are settled, collecting their contact details is the next job — this builder never asks for one.

The rules that hold up

Four rules worth writing down before you start

Written down, these are boring. Unwritten, each one becomes an argument about a specific relative at eleven o'clock at night.

1

The boundary is a layer, never a person

Say "first cousins are in, second cousins are not", not "Camila is in". A layer boundary can be repeated to anyone who asks. A person boundary cannot be repeated at all.

2

Both sides run the same rule

Whatever circle you stop at, your partner stops at the same one. The totals will be lopsided and that is fine — the rule is what people compare, not the number of seats each family got.

3

A relative somebody else wants there is somebody else's seat

If your mother wants her cousin there, that seat comes out of her allocation. This is not a punishment; it is the only thing that makes an allocation mean anything.

4

Decide the difficult person separately, and once

Estrangement is a person-level call. Give it its own circle in the builder so the decision is recorded, and so the layer around it is not quietly re-opened every time the subject comes up.

Common mistakes

What goes wrong with extended family

Every one of these has been survived by thousands of couples. They are still worth avoiding, because each one costs a conversation you did not need to have.

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Inviting the cousins you like and cutting the rest

The most natural instinct on the list and the most reliably damaging. The cut cousins find out within a day, and the reason they are given — closeness — is the one reason that cannot be said out loud.

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Matching the two families seat for seat

Trimming your side to match your partner's smaller family means cutting real relatives to satisfy a symmetry nobody will ever notice. Match the rule and let the totals land where they land.

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Letting parents add names without an allocation

"Just a couple more" arrives four separate times. A number agreed up front turns every addition into their arithmetic instead of your refusal.

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Announcing the cut to the whole family at once

A group message about who is not invited turns a private decision into a public one. Tell the people it affects, individually, before the invitations arrive.

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Making an exception for one household in a circle you cut

The exception becomes the new boundary, and it sits in a place you cannot defend. If a household really is different, move it into a different circle and say why — do not leave it sitting inside a layer it contradicts.

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Leaving the list in your head until the invitations

A list that only exists as a conversation cannot be checked for a split layer, cannot be counted against the room, and has to be reconstructed from memory on the day you send anything.

Free, and it never leaves your browser

Put the whole layer in and see what it costs

This list opens with three of seven first cousins invited and four not, which is exactly the split the checker flags. Move the other four in or out, watch the seat count, and download the file once the layer is consistent. Everything runs in your browser — nothing you type is stored or sent anywhere, and there is no saved draft, which is why the download matters.

Wedding guest list templateFree · no sign-up · runs entirely in your browser

Three of seven first cousins are on this list and four are not — the split the checker is built to catch.

This is how many people you can invite, not how many will come — turning one into the other is what the attendance-rate page does: to seat 100, invite 118 to 128.

4 circles are on this list. A circle is what the consistency check reads.

17

17 people in 9 householdsEveryone in tiers A, B and C is counted here; 4 people are in the not-inviting pile and stays out of the file. Set a capacity to see where the line falls.

First nameLast nameHouseholdCircleTierPlus ones
Two people with the same household label are one invitation.

Everything here runs in your browser. Nothing you type is stored or sent anywhere — there is no account, no saved list and no cookie holding your guests (we count anonymous, bucketed usage of the tool itself, never a name, a number or a list size). That also means closing this tab loses the list, which is why the button says download.

Where the line falls

  • ATier A — no wedding without them8 in this tier · 4 households · 8 with everything above it8
  • BTier B — you want them there9 in this tier · 5 households · 17 with everything above it9
  • CTier C — only if there is room0 in this tier · 0 households · 17 with everything above it0
  • Not invitingNot inviting4 in this tier · 4 households · left out of the export4
  • 3 of 7 first cousins are on the list and 4 are not. Invite the layer or cut the layer — a split one is visible to everybody in it.

Downloads a CSV of everyone still on the list — tiers A, B and C, minus any tier you have switched off above. The not-inviting pile stays on this page.

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Keep exploring

More on deciding who to invite

Who to invite to your weddingThe whole decision, circle by circle→Cutting the list downRules that take whole layers off, not individuals→How many guests parents getSplitting the seats before anyone writes a name→Deciding on a child-free weddingOne policy for the whole list, and its exceptions→Friends, and who invited youReciprocity, friend groups and the honest test→Inviting coworkersThe test that keeps a team from being split→
Good to know

Extended family questions

Do I have to invite all my cousins to my wedding?

You do not have to invite any of them — but if you invite one, invite the whole layer. Cousins compare notes, and a partial invitation is read as a ranking. Either every first cousin is on the list or none is, and "we didn't invite cousins on either side" is a complete answer to anyone who asks.

Is it rude not to invite extended family to your wedding?

No. Nobody is owed an invitation, and a smaller wedding is a legitimate choice rather than a slight. What does read as rude is inconsistency: inviting half a circle, or inviting your own aunts while cutting your partner's. Draw one boundary, apply it to both families, and tell the people it affects yourself rather than letting them find out from somebody else.

Do I have to invite my aunts and uncles if I invite my cousins?

Not automatically — they are two different circles, and plenty of couples invite the cousins they grew up with as a layer without inviting their parents. It only becomes a problem if you invite some aunts and uncles and not others. Decide each circle whole, and put whichever ones belong to your parents' relationships rather than yours into your parents' allocation.

How do I tell a relative they are not invited?

Directly, once, before the invitations arrive, and name the boundary rather than the person: "we kept it to parents, siblings and grandparents on both sides." Do not offer a maybe, do not send it to a group chat, and do not explain it twice — a second explanation reads as an opening to negotiate.

Do both sides have to invite the same number of relatives?

No, and trying to is how good relatives get cut. Match the rule, not the total: if first cousins are in on one side they are in on the other, whether that is eight people or none. A shared rule reads as fair; a shared total reads as a quota nobody agreed to.

Can I invite an aunt and uncle but not their adult children?

Yes, as long as the adult children are a circle you have cut whole — first cousins are their own layer, and cutting all of them is a boundary rather than a slight. Address the invitation to the aunt and uncle by name and no other name appears on it. Where it goes wrong is doing that for one household and not another in the same circle, which is the split-layer problem again in a smaller room.

Should I keep the relatives I am not inviting on my list?

Keep them written down and marked as not inviting. It stops the same conversation being had four times, it keeps the layer visible so you can see at a glance whether it is consistent, and the builder above leaves everyone in that pile out of the downloaded file — so nobody in it can be messaged by accident.

A list is names on a page.
Until you send it, that is all it is.

Build the list here, download it, and import the file into Text My Wedding — the same names then carry the invitation, the RSVP and every reminder, without anybody retyping them.

Build my guest list →
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