Tell them yourself, once, before the invitations go out — and only tell the people who are actually going to notice. Most of a cut list needs no conversation at all: the ones who need one are the people who have already asked, the people whose sibling or closest friend is invited, and the people who will otherwise hear it from somebody else. When you do say it, name the boundary rather than the person — "we kept it to parents, siblings and no cousins on either side" — offer no maybe, and do not explain it twice. Below are 18 scripts, one for every relationship circle on a guest list, and a builder that holds the people you are not inviting so you can work down them one at a time.
There are only three moves, and the first one is the right answer for most of a cut list. Work down until a row fits. Each row routes a person into a queue rather than re-opening the question of whether the cut was fair.
Say nothing. Silence is the default, and it is not cowardice. An invitation that never arrives is the message for most of a cut list, and a pre-emptive "you're not invited" to someone who was never expecting one creates a wound where there wasn't one. In the builder these rows stay tagged Not inviting, they are left out of the export, and they never become a phone call.
Say it now, before anything is posted. They have started planning around your wedding, and every week you leave it is a week they spend assuming. This is the clearest signal you will get that a conversation is owed. Say it in the same medium they asked in or better — a call beats a message, in person beats a call.
Say it now — the comparison is guaranteed. They will find out on the day the invitations land, from the person sitting next to them, which is the worst possible version. Check the circle first: if the split is inside a layer the builder flags it, and the better fix is often to invite or cut the layer whole rather than to write a script for it.
Say it if asked, and not before. No conversation is owed to somebody who has not been in touch, and reaching out to tell them would be stranger than the silence. But write your one sentence down now, because you will be asked at somebody's birthday with no warning: "it's small — family and the handful of people we see all the time."
Say it now — and let whoever's guest they were say it. News travels down the relationship it belongs to. A cut lands very differently from the person who has known them for thirty years than from the couple they last saw at a christening, and if you deliver it you inherit the blame for a decision that was mostly about somebody else's allocation.
Answer in one sentence, with no maybe in it. This is the moment the whole page is for. One sentence, the boundary rather than the person, no second explanation and no "if anything changes". A follow-up softener reads as an opening to negotiate, and you will have the same conversation again in two weeks.
If the invitation has already gone out and the problem is a guest who replied assuming they could bring somebody, that is a correction rather than a cut and it belongs on the plus-one rules. If the reason for the cut is simply the size of the room, work that number backwards on the wedding attendance rate page before you tell anybody anything — its answer is the capacity number this page's builder takes.
Whatever you say to one relative will be repeated in a shortened form within a day, so every script here names the boundary rather than the person — the shortened version is still true. Copy the whole card: the header is the queue row, the quote is what you say, and the last line is what to do when they push.
IMMEDIATE FAMILY — told first, before anyone calls them "Mom, the list is finished and I wanted you to hear it from me before anybody asks you. It's parents, grandparents and siblings on both sides, and nothing past that — no aunts and uncles, no cousins, either family. I'm calling Rosa myself this week." If she pushes: "I know it's not the wedding you pictured. I'm not asking you to agree with the list — I'm asking you not to give anyone a maybe."
GRANDPARENT — asking on somebody else's behalf "Gran, I know Auntie Bea would love to be there and I'm sorry. We couldn't do your generation beyond you and Grandad — it's the same on both sides and it isn't about her at all. If she asks you, send her to me and I'll say it myself." If she offers to pay for the extra seats: "That's really kind, and it still isn't a money thing. The line is in the same place on both families and I can't move it for one person."
AUNT OR UNCLE — the layer cut whole "I wanted to tell you before the invitations go out, because I didn't want you waiting on one. We ended up keeping it to parents, grandparents and siblings, which meant no aunts or uncles at all — on either side, all six of you. I'd rather you heard that from me than worked it out in March." Then give them a date: "Can I take you for lunch the week after Easter? I want to see you either way."
FIRST COUSIN — the one you grew up with "You're the hardest person to say this to, so I'm saying it first: we didn't invite cousins. Not one, on either side. The room holds 120 and the two immediate families were most of that. If the list had been the ten people I actually wanted, you'd have been on it." If they ask who is going: "Parents, grandparents, siblings and friends. That's the whole of it — there's nobody from our generation of the family."
SECOND COUSIN OR FURTHER — one sentence, said lightly "It's tiny — we stopped at grandparents, so there's nobody from the wider family coming at all." That is the whole script. Do not add a reason, do not add "we'd have loved to", and if it comes up at a family party, change the subject in the same breath: "...anyway, when are you two moving?"
YOUR PARTNER'S RELATIVE — hand it over, don't answer it What you say: "That's a fair question and it's honestly not mine to answer — it's their side of the list and they've been working through it. I'll get them to ring you tonight." What your partner says: "We didn't invite anyone past grandparents on either side. I should have told you before you heard it from someone else, and that part is on me." The rule underneath both lines: the news travels down the family it belongs to.
They are not on the invitation list, so most couples delete them — and then re-argue the same four names in March. Keep them on the sheet marked Not inviting, work down them one circle at a time, and download the file: the export contains only the people you did invite.
Friends compare notes faster than family and forgive a straight answer more easily. Every script here is said out loud — in person if you can, on the phone if you can't. None of them is a message, and none of them goes anywhere it can be screenshotted.
A CLOSE FRIEND — say it out loud, not in writing "I want to tell you this myself rather than let you work it out from silence. We're at 90 people, and the list ended up as family plus the handful of friends we see every week. You're not on it. That is genuinely about the number and I hate it — can I see you in the next two weeks?" If they ask whether it might change: "No. I'd rather give you a hard answer now than leave you hoping for one."
A CHILDHOOD FRIEND YOU'VE DRIFTED FROM — only if asked "We kept it to the people we see week to week, and it came out very short. It's not a verdict on the twenty years before that." Have this ready rather than sending it: nobody in this circle needs to be told in advance, and reaching out to say it would be stranger than the silence. You are writing the sentence so you are not improvising one at a birthday party.
THE FRIEND GROUP — some of you are invited and some aren't "You'll hear this from someone else by the weekend, so I'd rather say it myself. We could take four people from that group and we took the four we still see most weeks. There isn't a version of this that's fair and I'm not going to pretend there is. I'm sorry." If they ask who: tell them, by name. A list they can't see is worse than one they can, and the guessing is what turns four people into nine.
A FRIEND'S PARTNER — the invitation is for one name "Before it arrives: the invitation has your name on it and not Alex's, and I wanted you to hear why from me instead of reading it. We could only do partners for people who are married, engaged or living together, and we ran that rule on everybody — there are no exceptions on the list in either direction." If they ask to bring them anyway: "I can't. If I do it once I have to do it eleven more times, and the room doesn't hold eleven more."
SOMEONE WHOSE WEDDING YOU WENT TO "We were at yours, and I know exactly how this looks. Ours came out at about half the size, and it ended up being family and the people we've actually seen in the last couple of years. I'd rather say that to you straight than let an invitation quietly not arrive." Do not offer to explain the arithmetic. "Half the size" is the entire answer, and an invitation you accepted three years ago was never a contract.
YOUR WEDDING PARTY — so eight people give the same answer "Quick one for all of you: the list is closed. It's family plus close friends — no cousins on either side and nobody from work. If anyone asks you whether they're coming, the answer is 'I think it's really small, ask them' — please don't guess, and please don't tell anyone there might be room later." This is the only script on the page you may send to a group, because everyone receiving it is invited. Never send the others to more than one person.
These three are easier than the family ones and are almost always got wrong by being left too late. Say them early, say them once, and make the rule the subject of the sentence — a rule at work is repeatable, and a preference is not.
COWORKERS — said once, early, before wedding chat starts "I'll say this now so nobody's wondering in April: we're not doing anyone from work. Not the team, not the wider department, nobody. It's family and old friends, and it's a small room. I'd rather be upfront than have people guessing." If someone asks afterwards: "Nobody from work is coming — that's the whole rule." A rule anyone can repeat is what stops half a team being invited and the other half hearing about it.
YOUR MANAGER — no reporting line in the reason "Heads up so it isn't odd in April: we're not inviting anybody from work, and that includes you — please don't read anything into it. It's family and friends we've had for twenty years, in a room that holds 120." Say it before they hear the date, not after. A boss who learns second-hand assumes there was a decision about them specifically, and there wasn't.
NEIGHBORS — the practical version "You'll see cars on the road on the 14th — we're getting married and having drinks back here afterwards. We've kept it to family so it's not a street thing at all, but there'll be some noise until about eleven and a few cars along the verge. Come and say hello on the day if you're about." The non-invitation is a clause in the middle of a practical message, which is exactly the weight it deserves.
These are not harder to say than the others — they are harder to place. One of them is not yours to deliver, one has no follow-up line at all, and one is a whole-list policy that people will still try to negotiate individually.
YOUR PARENTS' FRIEND — your parents make the call What you say to your mother: "The Hardys are your friends, not ours. If they're in, they come out of your thirty seats; if they're not, you're the person who should tell them — it'll land far better from you than from me." What your mother says to them: "We were given a number and we spent it on family. I'm sorry — you'll be the first people I ring the week after." Whoever's relationship it is delivers the news. That is the whole rule.
SOMEONE YOU ARE DELIBERATELY NOT INVITING "You're not going to be at the wedding. I'm telling you rather than letting you find out on the day, and I'm not going through the reasons again — nothing about them has changed." There is no follow-up line here. Do not explain, do not soften it with "maybe one day", and do not put it anywhere it can be forwarded. If a relative asks you to reconsider: "That decision is made." For some people in this circle the right script is no script at all — silence is a complete answer.
A FAMILY WITH SMALL CHILDREN — early, so they can arrange care "One thing before the invitations go out, because you'll need to sort childcare: it's adults only. It's the same for everybody — there are no children at all on the day, including our own godchildren. Sorry to make it a job for you." If they ask for an exception: "We haven't made one for anybody. If I make one for you I've got four more conversations I can't win." It is a policy about the whole list, so it is said to every family in exactly the same words.
The single most useful thing you can do before any of these conversations is decide which of them you are having. A sentence about one person has to be defended one person at a time; a line about the whole list can simply be pointed at, and it stays true no matter who repeats it.
One person · One named individual. Turned into an announcement it reaches four more people who were never going to ask, and every one of them now needs an answer too.
A whole layer · Every household in the circle. Said about one person it stops being a boundary and becomes a ranking — and the ranking is the part that gets repeated.
The whole list · The list as a whole. Improvised person by person you give six slightly different reasons, and the six people compare them at the next family lunch.
The whole list · The list as a whole. Enforced case by case it leaks: somebody always tells one friend early, and that friend tells the rest of the circle for you.
An allocation · Each contributor's bucket. Deliver the news for a guest you never chose and you take the blame for somebody else's arithmetic — while they get to be sorry about it alongside you.
Everything on this page happens before the invitations go out. If one has already gone out and a guest has replied assuming they can bring somebody, that is a correction rather than a cut, and it belongs with the plus-one rules. If the size of the room is the real reason, work the number backwards on the wedding attendance rate first — its answer is exactly the capacity number the builder above takes, and it is worth knowing before you tell anybody anything. If a cut circle might genuinely come back later, do not hint at it in the conversation; that timing lives on second-wave invitations. Saying it in writing to families with children is adults-only invitation wording, not a phone call. And once the list is settled, collecting everyone's numbers is the next job — the builder above never asks for one.
Each script above is an application of one of these. If you find yourself writing your own, check it against all five before you say it.
Before, it is a conversation. After, it is damage control, because they have already worked it out and spent a week deciding how to feel about it. The moment the list is final is the moment the queue starts.
"We didn't invite cousins" can be repeated by anybody without changing meaning. "We couldn't fit you in" cannot be repeated at all without sounding like a ranking, because that is what it is.
Never announce a cut to a group of people who were all cut — you have handed them each other. And never explain twice to the same person: a second explanation is heard as an opening.
"If we get more space we'll let you know" buys you a comfortable ten minutes and costs you the same conversation again later, with somebody who has by then told their friends they might be going.
Your parents' friends, your partner's relatives, your sibling's ex-partner — the person with the relationship delivers the news. It lands softer from them and it keeps the blame attached to the decision it actually came from.
Almost all of the damage in this part of the process comes from five moves, and four of them are attempts to be kind.
Over-notifying is as common as under-notifying and does more harm. Most of a cut list never expected an invitation, and a phone call about it informs them of a slight they had not noticed. If a whole circle came off together, most of that circle needs no conversation.
A message to the four people you cut turns a private decision into a public one and gives them each other to compare with. Every conversation on this page is one to one, and the only group script here goes to people who are all invited.
"We'll let you know if anything opens up" is the kindest-sounding sentence available and the most expensive. They will plan around it, they will tell someone, and you will have to say no a second time to a person who has already got their hopes up.
One sentence closes it. A second sentence — the one you add because the silence is uncomfortable — reads as negotiation, and the third thing you say will be the version that gets repeated back to you.
Telling your mother's oldest friend that she is not invited puts you in the middle of a thirty-year relationship you are not part of. Hand it back with the seats: if the guest belonged to somebody's allocation, the conversation belongs to them too.
For a distant relative that is fine. For anyone who has asked, or whose brother is invited, an invitation that never arrives is not a decision they receive — it is one they discover, standing next to somebody holding theirs.
The list below opens with the not-inviting pile visible: four cousins, two colleagues and an old friend, each tagged with the circle it belongs to. The ladder underneath counts them and confirms they are left out of the export, so nobody in the pile can be contacted by accident — and the circle on each row tells you which script above is the one to use. Nothing you type is stored or sent anywhere, and there is no autosave, so download the file before you close the tab.
Everyone you are not inviting, kept visible and kept out of the export, so nobody gets a message by accident.
This is how many people you can invite, not how many will come — turning one into the other is what the attendance-rate page does: to seat 100, invite 118 to 128.
6 circles are on this list. A circle is what the consistency check reads.
17 people in 10 householdsEveryone in tiers A, B and C is counted here; 7 people are in the not-inviting pile and stays out of the file. Set a capacity to see where the line falls.
Everything here runs in your browser. Nothing you type is stored or sent anywhere — there is no account, no saved list and no cookie holding your guests (we count anonymous, bucketed usage of the tool itself, never a name, a number or a list size). That also means closing this tab loses the list, which is why the button says download.
Where the line falls
Downloads a CSV of everyone still on the list — tiers A, B and C, minus any tier you have switched off above. The not-inviting pile stays on this page.
Directly, once, in person or on the phone, before the invitations go out — and name the boundary rather than the person: "we kept it to parents, siblings and no cousins on either side." Do not offer a maybe, do not explain a second time, and do not say it anywhere it can be forwarded or screenshotted. If they ask who is going, answer honestly; the guessing does more damage than the list ever does.
No, and telling everyone you cut is a mistake. Most people on a cut list were never expecting an invitation, and raising it informs them of a slight they had not noticed. Have the conversation with three groups only: people who have already asked about the date, people whose sibling or closest friend is invited, and people who will otherwise hear it from somebody else first.
One sentence, with the rule in it and no maybe attached: "It's really small — family and the handful of friends we see every week." Write that sentence down before you need it, because the question almost always arrives with no warning at somebody else's party. Add nothing after it; the second sentence is the one that sounds like an opening to negotiate.
No. Nobody is owed an invitation, and a small wedding is a legitimate choice rather than a slight. What reads as rude is inconsistency and second-hand news: inviting half a circle, or letting someone find out on the day the invitations land while standing next to a person holding theirs. Cut whole circles, and tell the people who will notice yourself.
Say it out loud rather than in writing, and say it before they can deduce it. "We're at 90 people and the list ended up as family plus the friends we see every week — you're not on it, and I hate that" is a complete script. Then give them a date to see you. If they ask whether it might change, answer no; a hard answer now is kinder than leaving them hoping.
Give the reason once, at the level of the whole list — the size of the room, or the circle you stopped at. Never give a reason at the level of the person, because "we're closer to other people" is the one true answer that cannot be said out loud. If they push for more detail, repeat the same sentence rather than producing a new one.
As soon as the list is final and before anything is posted. Before the invitations, it is a conversation you are choosing to have; afterwards it is damage control with someone who has already worked it out. If your list is not final yet, that is the job to finish first — the builder above holds the people you are not inviting so the queue is written down rather than carried around in your head.
Build the list here, download it, and import the file into Text My Wedding — the same names then carry the invitation, the RSVP and every reminder, without anybody retyping them.
